Monday, May 03, 2010

So Much Things, So Many Stuff

My younger sister's wedding is May 15. It is a fabulous and happy time, and I can't wait for it all to be over. I think you all can relate. How her wedding is ending up costing me around $1,000, I'll never be able to figure out how, but it is. Between buying my dress, underthings, purse, shoes, getting hair and makeup done, probably getting manicure and pedicure (for the first time in my life), hotel rooms, bridal shower gifts, the fish (she wants fish in vases on the reception tables, and so fish is what she shall have), paying to have my parents' house cleaned for the rehearsal dinner, and on and on and on, it is very expensive to be a sister-of-the-bride. My other sister is experiencing the same thing. I am the middle of 3 sisters, and it is the youngest who is getting married.

I still take issue with the fact that they registered. She is 32 and he is 39; they've been living together for a couple of years, and yet guests are obligated to purchase a gift for them. I just think that's wrong. If they were just starting out in life, sure. But he's been married before, and they have already bought a house together. I just think it would be more appropriate to ask that donations to a particular organization be made in lieu of gifts. But, I may be alone in that opinion. I tend to be harsh in some situations and judge others by what I think is right, not by all the possibilities that exist.

I'm battling many feelings over this wedding. I'm happy for them, I'm sad for no reason. I am excited about the wedding and reception and party and meeting some new people, and I am angry and feel sorry for myself because it looks like the Guy might possibly be bringing a date, and it's not me. I personally think that is very bad form...bringing a date to my sister's wedding when I told him I liked him. I should just get over it completely since lately he's given me no indication of ever wanting to pursue anything. I should listen to Urbie. She's right every time about these things. But nothing is set in stone yet regarding that. I guess I'll find out in 2 weeks time what choice he made. And I have to confess I think I am jealous over the wedding. I am now the leftover one, the one no one wants. The one who is smart and talented and successful, but whom no man wants to date. In other words, I feel like shit. I feel sorry for myself, and I am terrified I am going to bawl at the wedding because of my selfishness. I just need to get a grip and focus on all the great parts of my life and not worry about that one thing. Easier said than done. I could really use some advice here, with the wedding part of things, even if it's just to tell me to shut up and buck up little camper.

I am eating a Potbelly Uptown salad, and it is tasty. I think I am gaining a taste for bleu cheese, though I used to hate it. Funny, that. Their chicken noodle soup tastes odd, but their sandwiches are fantastic.

Jimmy Johns also has fantastic sandwiches. I love their #12 on whole wheat. Get is sometime if you can. It has so many delicious tastes in one sandwich..mmm. Get their jalapeno chips, too.

My house hunting is not going well. It's not really going at all. I do have one Saturday in May that I can use to house hunt. All my other days are filled with work or other obligations. Crazy. I'm around people all the time now, except for when I'm driving to my stores, and I'm still having to adjust to not having any 'me' time.

Drum corps is going great. Our music is amazing, with really exciting mellophone parts that are a blast to learn and play.

Lots more is going on, but I need to work on my personal to-do list. Catch ya later. I'll try not to let another month+ pass without posting again.


Jilly said...

wait, why are you paying for her wedding? I understand paying for your own dress etc, but why pay for your parent's house to be cleaned? Or wait, is the house cleaning your wedding present to her?

Sure your sister is the youngest, but she's 32 (4 years older than me!) and if your parents can't/won't pay for something, then she should find a way to do it herself or do without. If my sister called me and asked me to pay for a wedding, i'd laugh in her face (then again, it could be because any marrige she'd engage in would lead to a divorce....) Well, sure it's not my business, but it seems unfair that you and your elder are paying for the youngest's wedding (house cleaning?)

As to being the odd one out/unloved. You aren't unloved nor are you the odd one out. These things take time and it's better to wait for something good than to end up with something that makes you sorta-happy. If guy isn't it, then he needs to be a man and say it so you can move on and find a worthy dude.

Sometimes it sucks being single and wanting things to happen, but being alone or being the only single one. However, you currently have freedom that kicksass too. You can drop everything and go on a surprise trip if needed. You can buy what you want, when you want it etc. My two best friends are single and I envy their freedom sometimes when I'm so boggeled down with responsibilties and family stuff. Also, i hate it when people don't invite single friends/family because they're uncomfortable with being around people who aren't a matched set. Me? if i love someone, then they're invited no matter their date-status.

oh, as to the registry, i like a guide as to what they want, but asking for a $400 coffee maker because you want to upgrade your $20 is a little tacky. I think that anyone who "gifted" them with something to make their wedding possible should consider that their gift. Times are really tough right now and I often feel like people invite me to stuff to get a gift. I was invited to a baby shower recently, it was canceled at the last second (the baby was born early) and i gave said people their gift. 2 weeks later the shower was held for real and a few days before, the people holding it gave me a NEW invitation with a note specifying some things they hadn't gotten yet and need. i ALREADY gave a gift i'd bought, on top of giving them a separate gift i'd made and they wanted a 3rd gift from us. It was just tacky.

I hope your sister remembers to write thank-you notes to everyone who is giving her gifts even if she doesn't see them as such (like the house-cleaning and fish).

you know, you are a better person than I, and you aren't the "leftover" one, you really are the pick of the litter. And stop it with the "selfish" nonsense. It's okay to be sad that you want your own special day with a wonderful person. It's okay to dread people treating you different as the last single sister (even if they shouldn't). You are happy for your sister and you are doing a lot to try and make it a good day for her. it's okay to have your own emotions and be worried about how things will impact you. No one else is going to worry about the personal impact to you, so you need to. However, if you start insisting that other people start to worry about your situation because of her situation, then you have an issue and need to take a chillpill. Since you haven't crossed that line, you're fine.

Catz said...

Wow Jilleybean. You're a smart and wise young lady.

Jenny Robin, from what I read in your blogs you're a sweet person. You're talented and hard working. You're NOT leftovers! You'll meet the right guy. It's better to wait than to jump at the first chance. It maybe the wrong one and end in divorce. As for the guy bringing his date...if he doesn't want to be with you he should be man enough to say it so you can be moving on.

Why are you having to spend so much? Dress,under things, shoes, manys, pedys, hair appointment and accessories I can understand but why everything else? It's non of my business really but it's mind boggling.

Don't fret sweetie. The right guy will come along and you'll know. :)

vq said...

Jenny, it seems to me that in life--whether it's work or relationships or whatever--there's no destination, only the journey. And your journey has, thus far, been busy, exciting and successful. I think that when you WANT marriage and a serious partnership in your life, you'll make that happen. I think right now you have other things to do.

(I say this to Hallie all the time, too. She says "why don't I have a boyfriend?" and I say "because you don't really want one."

Moms are annoying, aren't we?

UrbanStarGazer said...

Wow, whole lotta stuff is this post. The blog is making me break it into two responses.

In re your sister's wedding:

I agree about the registering but, to each their own. Most folks I know that marry at that age state "no gifts" or, if you insist on giving one to donate to a charity or charities that they support. I did have one friend who said no gifts but, she tackily said to give money to her instead.

The fact that you're paying for so much of the wedding related costs proves you're a good person and a great sister and I hope she appreciates what you've done and are doing and takes the time to show it.

Your feelings about the wedding . . . not abnormal. Abnormal if you let it spill over to the wedding and grab the mike and start morosely emoting all over the place. :) Let yourself feel the negative emotions. Immerse yourself in them, dive in, allow yourself a pity party (for 1) and break down and cry and wail about them and then let them go and move on with the wedding plans because, you're not the left over one. You're not the one that no-one wants. You're just the single one. Nothing more, nothing less.

About "The Guy" -- if it turns out he brings a date and your hopes for a relationship with him ends . . . while I know it will be disappointing because you like him, truthfully -- what does that say about him? If he doesn't want to be with you in that way, he's not someone you should feel a loss for. You're a smart, successful woman who has to make tough decisions everyday based on facts, experience, etc. Think about the situation logically, not emotionally, and your emotions will follow. It doesn't take away from who you are AT ALL. It doesn't mean anything other than he didn't feel it and moved on. He may be someone who likes drama queens or mindless women or who knows what and, again, it doesn't mean that there's ANYTHING wrong with you. It just means your groove didn't match his. Think about all the men you've met that you weren't attracted or romantically drawn to, does it mean that there's something wrong with them or that they're lesser people? Nope. You just weren't drawn to them in that way.

UrbanStarGazer said...

If he doesn't feel romantically about you, it is what it is. Accept it and be thankful you didn't become involved and find out later. You might ask yourself why he spent the time with you that he did and why nothing came of it but, realistically -- does it matter? Will it change anything? He may not know the answer or he may but it may not be something you want to hear and anything, again, that will matter in the long run.

I won't say that you'll find the right guy someday because, you may not. I will say that if you do, and it's right, you'll know it.My motto has always been, better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable.

Another thing that I'll go out on a limb and say is, not everyone was meant to be wildly, madly in love for the rest of their life. Not everyone meets their soul mate. If marriage is something you really want, you can decide what you will accept and pursue that. While that's not a road I could take, I do know people who have and who are happy. They're not passionately in love and married to their soul mate but they are compatible and like who they are with and care about them and that's enough for them.

Bottom line, you're not a victim. You're smart, successful, interesting, strong woman. You just haven't had the time, opportunity or inclination to meet Mr. Right. If you're serious about finding someone, make it a priority. Sign up for an online dating service --, eharmony, whatever (they're not for weirdos and losers, I know many beautiful, smart, successful women -- managers, attorneys, etc. -- who have used them and found Mr. Right); participate in activities you enjoy and meet like minded people, get out there and make opportunities to meet someone.

I know all that's easier to write than do but, you're a smart chick. You'll be fine. I have faith in you.

schell said...

My take on the unhappiness: What you're feeling is completely normal. However, if it really makes you that unhappy, do something about it. Until recently, you haven't even hinted that you were interested in "finding someone" or "having someone" have a life that I envy...single, great career, lots and lots of terrific friends. But, if that's not enough for you anymore, then advocate for yourself. That's what you'd do if you were unhappy with something at work. There are places to go to meet people, there are dating websites all over the internet. Put yourself out there. You might not find someone right away, but you might actually have a lot of fun trying...more like that journey thing that Verb talked about.

CatBoy said...

I don't much care for people who already have a house full of things setting up a registry, but I am old and contrary, and probably jealous that I am not allowed to send everyone I know a list of things I want in honor of the fact that I am not getting married.

I have no advice, wisdom or anything else with regard to your romantic life. I can say that it's natural to feel like you do, so don't beat yourself up for it, and I hope the feeling is fleeting. I also hope you find the kind of happiness you want.